Emotional Translating: Gift and Drain

Emotional Translating

I learned this term while reading an upcoming book by Kara Baskin, Everything to Everyone (March 2027, Grand Central Publishing). It is often the unconscious work of reading a room, anticipating needs, and trying to meet them. Perhaps out of fear of being judged or not being liked. Emotional translating is how we make sense of the cognitive pressure connected to our mental load. 

As an eldest daughter from an immigrant household, I know this very well. I’ve been trained to read the room from an early age, to be the “good” one, with self-validation and worth intertwined with my responsiveness to others. I could be at a meal with family, and I take it on as my responsibility to notice my mom’s knee is acting up, the green bean dish needs replenishing, and my daughters sneaking dessert before dinner—a possible sugar crash imminent. Why didn’t I catch it all?

This multi-dimensional awareness is both one of my gifts and a huge drain. While at dinner, the conversation feels stunted because I’m trying to protect the little room within myself that is safe from perceived burnout. If left unchecked, this dinner could leave me exhausted and have me seek the glory of my introvert cave.

There is a part of me that feels responsible for it all and actually derives pleasure, purpose, and fulfillment from this perspective. There is another part that resents how much work I’ve done to be high-functioning, and people can just suck me dry by asking too much of me. Phew. That was hard to say aloud. Alas, there is self-judgement here. Why can’t I just be grateful and show my gratitude by giving back?

And, of course, so much of this is cultural and gendered for me. Being a South Asian woman, expectations of replenishing the dinner plates without being asked or being available all the time are the air I breathe. The resulting boundary response is also cultural, with some sprinkling of individualism and capitalism. A feeling that people are taking from you, so hunker down out of protection. In a more collective approach, there would be community holding so one person wouldn’t feel solely responsible. In the dominant culture, we are generally lonelier and more individualistic than generations prior. So, it makes sense that our parts may seek boundaries to keep afloat in the systems we live in. And sometimes these boundaries stave off connection and self-accountability.

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The eternal Libra in me, (welcome libra season), that seeks balance knows there is another side to this. The emotional translating parts of me are also the same parts that make me a present and attuned coach.

In a coaching session, I can feel under the words being said. I can bring curiosity to an inflection in the voice or the rising of hands.  I can ask questions that create greater alignment between values and actions. I can lend my confidence to my coach partner until they start believing in themselves. And from my highest place, I know that it is not me doing anything, but rather, emptying myself through the coaching skills that make way for Spirit to unfold in a session. Cosmic leaps happen through tapping into this transcendent place.

In real life, I can be in line to get pizza and the owner tells me his life story about houselessness to purpose in cooking. I can be in the Sprouts checkout line, and the cashier tells me within 2 mins about his foster care upbringing being the reason he’s going into social work. As a coach, I have practiced an openness that allows me to drop into the relational realm quickly. And I love this about myself. I get so much fulfillment out of these interactions, a sign that there is enough nervous system settling that I give off safety to others. I’m so deeply grateful for this because I remember the days when I couldn’t even give this safety to myself.  

AND, (that needed to be capitalized…)

I need to be honest with myself about my capacity. What are my limits? Even as I tap into Spirit and my capacity expands, I’m still human. How can I be transparent about my reality to myself and others? And be at greater choice with the responsibility I take on and what I don’t. How am I enabling through taking on more? Also, how can I be more discerning of when to employ my emotional translating skills? It’s not all bad. I like many elements of caregiving. I like being attuned to another human. This celebrates my value of connection. And I could probably try relaxing at dinner and not worry so much about being everything to everyone so I can just be with my loved ones. And perhaps feel more balance.

Here are some practicing I’m working on this month:

·      Speak the invisible labor, sometimes even to myself, at staff meetings, to my kids, and to my partner about what allowed me to present. Example: “I’m running on a few hours of sleep because my 3 year old was awake all night from an ear infection. I’m present, taking care of myself and I would like to punt big decision-making till tomorrow when I’ve rested more.”

·      Taking time away, even if for a couple hours a week from my caregiving and work identities. “I need to not to do bedtime on Thursday nights because I’m going to the gym so I can release my week into the act of lifting something heavy and putting it down.”

·      Ask what I’m here for, at any relational gathering. What am I here for today? “I’m here to spend time with my cousin as we meet her new partner. I’m not here to tap into the energetic field of any other family dynamics that are not mine to solve.” What a relief!

·      Do my other spiritual practices, see the last email.

·      What are yours?

At CHJL, these are the real conversations we are in. Earlier this summer, I led a course of being with our caregiving parts. I’m also teaching a class on how to be Self-led in Times of Collapse. All this builds on what we teach in the 9-month coaching certification and our two-day primer, Introduction to Liberatory Coach Approach. Will you join us?

Love,

sarah